Our New Jellybean!!

  I am so excited to announce that we are pregnant with our rainbow baby!! Here is his/her first photo. My husband and I found out we were pregnant a couple weeks ago. We had not been trying to conceive yet, so were very surprised when the second pink line appeared on the stick. After I went back and "did the math", it seems that when we saw the double rainbow that night in the restaurant parking lot, we had already created Thomas's little brother or sister. So know we definitely know that it was a sign from our angel! We are very nervous and scared, but we all believe that Thomas is going to be an amazing guardian angel. We have nicknamed this little one, "jellybean." Please keep us in your thoughts, as we attempt this difficult journey again!

Our Special Rainbow

It has been 4 months now since Thomas grew his wings and went to heaven. For some reason, this milestone really hit me hard. It feels like the numbess is wearing off, and the loss of our angel has happened all over again.  My husband and I went out to dinner one night last week to try and get our minds off things. Not surprisingly, we talked about Thomas the entire time. I was dying for a sign that he was okay with God. I just wanted to know that my baby was being taken care of. As we were walking out of the restaurant to the car, my husband looked up at the sky and saw a rainbow. He looked at me and said, "Look up." And as I saw this beautiful site, I got goosebumps. It was as if Thomas heard our conversation over dinner, and answered our pray. He knew his Mommy and Daddy were sad, and sent us a sign. For many that do not know the "language" of baby loss, a "rainbow baby" is the child you have after your loss. It is like a rainbow after the storm. We have seen several rainbows since Thomas has died, but this one was very special. As we looked at the sky closer, we noticed that there were TWO rainbows. Then I started to tear up. To my husband and I, the double rainbow symbolized our Thomas in heaven, and our future rainbow baby. It felt like he was up there getting to know his sibling, before sending him or her down to his Mommy and Daddy. And as we drove home that night, I told my husband, "What an amazing son we have."



Thomas's Name All Over The World

   Since the loss of our angel 11 weeks ago, friends and family have sent us pictures of his name written out in the sand, or in pebbles or rocks. It has been such a touching gift, to know that our son is being honored and remembered all over the world! If you would like to help us, please take of picture of his name, Thomas, and send it to me! We want to start an album with the pictures we receive to help us with our grieving over our perfect little angel. Thank you in advance!!!

Global Effect

   We have officially hit 1,000 readers of our blog in just over a week!!! SO proud my angel son is touching people all over the world - US, Canada, Australia, Britian, Mexico, New Zealand, Germany, Ireland, and Dominican Republic! Thank you to everyone who has read our story. You will never know, just how much this helps in our grieving process. We miss our son more and more everyday, and cannot wait to be with Thomas in heaven. What a glorious day that will be!

Remembering our Angel

   Right after Thomas was buried, we knew we wanted to build a memorial garden for our angel. We received many touching donations from our friends and family. So this spring, my husband through himself into designing a beautiful garden with bushes, flowers, and decorated stones with touching sayings on them. It really helped with his grieving. He felt like he was doing something constructive for his son. We also found this awesome angel statue, and placed it in the middle of the garden. Now everyone that drives along the side of our house can see the strong and never-ending love we have for our little boy. We also planted two more trees in our backyard for Thomas. My husband calls this "phase I". We plan on adding more to the backyard, including a memorial bench and fountain. I told my husband, we better not plan on moving out of this house anytime soon!

   We also both got tattoos to remember our son. My husband got one of his name, Thomas Noah, with a cross and his "angel" date, 4-12-11, on his left arm. Before we lost Thomas, I always swore I would have never gotten a tattoo. As a nurse, I was scared the tattoo artist would not keep everything "sterile", and was also afraid of how much it would hurt. But after I saw how much my husband loved his, I knew I needed one too. So I got an actual copy of his exact footprint and initials on my right ankle. I love his little feet - his second toe is longer than his big toe, just like his daddy's feet. Now we both feel like our little angel is always with us.

   I also turned our bookshelf in our living room into a memorial. We display all of his things we have to remember him by; including his hand and footprints, stuffed animals he layed with, a baptismal bib engraved with his name, a necklace and bracelet given to us by our nurses, our favorite pictures, a certificate of the star named after him, his baby album, his turtle souvenirs from Florida, and all of the touching cards we received from our family and friends. Next to the bookshelf we have one of the plants that was given to us at his funeral. It is a great way to "show off" our son to everyone that comes to our home. We are just so proud of our firstborn baby, and want him to know as he looks down on us from heaven everyday :)

Our Getaway Trip

   Five weeks after we lost Thomas, my husband and I took a getaway trip to Destin, Fl. Since we had been there before, we knew what a beautiful and relaxing place it was. We just felt the need to get out of Missouri, see the ocean and walk on the sand. So we drove the 11 hours down to Destin from St. Louis. I was afraid it was going to be a miserable drive, since we left the day of his due date, and we were both so depressed. But it was actually very therapeutic. We opened up to each other on that long drive like we never had before. Sometimes we talked about Thomas, and other times we didn't. We learned so about each other. I truly believe that tragedy either makes or breaks a relationship. I have heard that couples who have experienced a loss of a child, have a 80% divorce rate. But we don't think we fit into that category. We have never been closer. My husband is the ONLY person on this earth who knows exactly how I feel. And we have never loved or appreciated each other more than we do now.

   While in Destin, we felt so close to our son. I think since his nursery was decorated in a nautical/ship theme, seeing all of the boats at the harbor and in the ocean had a special meaning to us. I know Thomas would have loved to see all of those ships! Turtles also have a special meaning as well. Thomas's baby swing and pack n' play were decorated with turtles. He was also buried with a turtle stuffed animal and tiny turtle ring that his daddy had when he was a kid. So throughout the trip, we collected tons of turtle souvenirs! We also wrote his name in the sand, along with all of the angel babies of the parents in our monthly support group we attend. We just felt the need to honor Thomas and all of his friends in heaven. We printed out pictures and gave them to our angel mommies and daddies the following week after we returned.

   I will cherish that trip forever. Connecting with my husband again after the pain we have endured means the world to me. And we are counting down the weeks until we go back this fall:)



Thomas's Burial

Thomas Noah was buried on Saturday, April 16, 2011 - four days after he grew wings and went to heaven. This was the hardest day of our lives. The day we learned his little heart stopped beating, and the day he was delivered were horrific. But we were still able to hold him, kiss him, smell him, take him all in. However, this was the day we had to bury our baby. This was the day we were never again going to be able to touch him here on earth. Our favorite priest, Father Steve, performed the funeral. He had married us 2 years earlier, and knew our us and our family very well. He visited us in the hospital twice and blessed Thomas after he was delivered. Our entire family surrounded us that day. I was most worried about my best friend, my husband. I had never seen him so devastated, so emotional. It was really hard for him, as Thomas was given my husband's name, and my husband's father and grandfather's name. So I held my husband through the service, rubbed his back, and whispered encouraging words in his ear. I just wanted to take his pain away. After we had all prayed, it was time to carry Thomas to his final resting place. My husband and his father carried his little casket out through the doors of the church and out to the graveyard. This is when I lost it. To see all three "Thomas'" together, in such a sad moment, broke my heart even more. My father and mother-in-law had to help me walk behind them. My legs kept giving out, and I became so dizzy. Felt like the longest walk of my life. Once we got to his little grave, we then read him the book, "Goodnight Moon"; just my husband and I. We read it twice, taking turns on each page. It is a moment I will cherish forever. Just the three of us...
It just all felt like such a nightmare, like this really wasn't happening. We had so many plans for our new family. Thomas's first Christmas, teaching him how to say "Mommy and Daddy", taking him to Disney World, playing baseball, watching him drive his first car, seeing him get married, making us grandparents, and seeing him name his first son, "Thomas". All of our dreams for our baby are gone. But I know deep down, that he is enjoying all of these things with God in heaven right now. And it is just a matter of time before we will join him. It was never "Goodbye". It is, "Will see you later".

The Aftermath

One week after Thomas went to heaven, my husband and I were sitting on the couch watching TV, just trying to get our mind off of our personal hell we had just endured. This might be a little graphic for some, but I want to be honest with my story. I began bleeding VERY heavily. As a nurse, I knew something wasn't right. After 1 full hour of bleeding nonstop, we called our OB at midnight. She told us to go to the ER immediately and she would meet us there. Unfortunately, after we got there, we quickly learned that my cervix had ripped a great deal. I was emergently rushed to the OR. I remember my doctor telling me, "Once we get in there, and if I see the bleeding is extensive, I will have to remove your uterus. I promise I will do everything I can not to, but if it saves your life, I don't have a choice." We were terrified. I remember thinking to God, "I am going to literally lose my mind, if you take away my chance of ever having more children." Luckily, she repaired my cervix with no problems. Still to this day, we don't know why it took a week for me to start hemorrhaging. I now have the risk of having an incompetent cervix, which means a higher risk of future miscarriage and stillbirth, again. But we are so thankful that we still have the opportunity to give Thomas future brothers and/or sisters :)

Our Story

My husband and I were married in December 2008, after dating for over 5 years. We had planned on waiting awhile to start a family - since I was only 22 and he was only 24. However, in August of 2010, we found out I was pregnant. We were surprised, but so excited - this baby was going to be the first grandchild for both sides of our family. We began to adjust to thought of our own little baby; one that was going to look just like us! At 12 weeks, I had subchorionic hemorrhage after working a 12 hour shift (I am a registered nurse on a heart floor). Right away, I just knew I had miscarried. We were terrified. Thankfully, everything turned out to be OK. I had ultrasounds every 3 weeks to monitor the bleeding, and by December 2010 the bleeding was gone! We also found out a week before Christmas, that we were expecting a BOY!!! We had always wanted a little boy first, and he was going to be named Thomas, after his Daddy. The name Noah came from a character from our favorite movie, "The Notebook". As 2011 began, we were on top of the world. In March, we had 2 baby showers and completed his nursery - nautical ships:) On April 11, we went in for a scheduled doctor appointment. I was 36 weeks gestation that day. Only 4 weeks to go until our due date! I mentioned to my OB, that I wasn't feeling him move as much as I had before. So she recommended a nonstress test, just to make sure everything looked OK. My husband and I proceeded over to the Labor and Delivery unit, and got settled into a room to wait for the test to begin. As the nurses started to hook me up to the equipment, they had a hard time locating his heartbeat. After 3 nurses had tried, they brought a doctor in to do an ultrasound, "just to make sure everything was fine." When the doctor found his heart on the screen, I knew as a nurse, something was wrong. He looked for a minute, which seemed like forever. He then turned to us and said, "I am sorry, but I don't see a heartbeat here." WHAT?!?! We could not believe the words that had come out of his mouth. My OB was called and she rushed over. After taking a second look, she confirmed the news that our little boy had died. We were devastated. It felt like a bad dream, like a nightmare I just had to wake up from. My husband immediately called our families. How could this happen? We were almost to our due date. I began throwing up. I couldn't stomach the emotional pain. I begged for a c-section. I couldn't bear pushing, knowing that we would not hear our son cry. My OB warned me not to, as I would always have a scar on my body to remind me of this horrible day. We were then admitted to a new room, and the reality sunk in. I was induced that evening at 10pm. I labored through the entire night, and finally received my epidural at 5am. And after that terrible night of hell, I delivered our son at 12:20pm the next day, on April 12, 2011. He was perfect. So beautiful, so peaceful. He had my cheeks, lips, and nose. He had my husband's eyes, forehead, and toes. He was the perfect combination of us, of our love. I used to think, if God was going to take him from us, why wait so long? Why so close to the end? Why not at 12 weeks, when we thought we miscarried? But I now think, God wanted us to meet our angel. He wanted us to know that we had a son, what he looked like, what he felt like. And I wouldn't trade those 36 weeks for anything! I am so grateful for the time I carried him. We still don't have an answer as to what happened to Thomas. We know the cord was loosely wrapped around his neck, but my OB is not convinced that was the cause. But regardless, we know that he is in a better place now, than all of us are here. And we also know, that it wasn't goodbye. We will be with him again one day:)

My First Blog!!

 I am creating this blog in memory of my first and only son, Thomas Noah Keppler. He was taken to heaven on April 12, 2011 at 12:20pm, at 36 weeks gestation. Our angel weighed 5lbs, 5oz, and was 19 inches long. I cannot believe it has already been 7 weeks since he left us. I miss him more and more everyday. I love talking about my son. My husband and I are so proud of him, and we want to share him with the world! So I thought by making this page, it could help me in my grieving process (which I have learned is a long road). I plan on being very honest and open about my feelings in each and every post. I will have my good days, and I will have my bad days. But through my sharing of our story, I hope to help other bereaved parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. Please feel free to comment, and thank you for taking the time to read!